At last Russell T Davies gets to sit down and watch the finished version of the first of this year's Doctor Who Specials...

Finally!

The first week of August, I get a completed episode of Doctor Who. Yes, it takes this long. (God, I’m tired of reading articles that say FX these days are cheap and fast. They’re expensive and endless!) But here it is, the final version of Star Beast which you will see, faithful viewer, complete with all FX, music, credits. And it’s my job to ultimately sign this off, for transmission.

So I sit and watch it. For what’s probably, ooh, the 50th time.

I sit and watch it as a producer. But this is what it’s like to sit and watch it as a fan.

OPENING SHOT oh my God, that’s London, too much London?, I liked Sheffield, SHEFFIELD SNUB is this stock footage? How much does stock footage cost, are you telling me the very first shot of new Doctor Who is from stock, is that WISE? (wait hold on, in the meta-text, this is the shot that RTD told us about in his Letter from the Showrunner, the WORM IS EATING THE TAIL). Music!! Listen! Music! Murray Gold!, Is it too loud, is it too quiet, is it any good?? Is it? Oh my God, the Tardis, the Jodie exterior, she has NOT been erased (and yet by not erasing her, are we erasing the argument that she’s been erased and therefore this is an act of erasure, IS IT?) oh the music changed, I thought it was going to be THIS but now it’s turned into THAT, I had no warning!!, WHAT’S THAT WIND? Is that Tardis wind? On David’s hair? Remember David’s hair from the 50th, I loved the 50th, how can this EVER live up?!? When will we see the Tardis interior? WHAT IS THE MUSIC DOING NOW? I don’t like it! Is that a Dudley Simpson motif oh wait this is CAMDEN! I saw this online because fans stood in that spot and took photos and therefore I have seen all this from slightly but crucially different angles (I wish I’d been there!) (I will go next year!) (Bring back the Doctor Who Experience!) But it’s still very rude to the people of Sheffield, I will post about this and get REACTIONS to the SNUB (snubgate) I wonder if all these extras have to sign an NDA? How do I become an extra WAIT WAIT THE MUSIC JUST WENT… UP, aaaah, is that Donna’s Theme? Is it? Are these the exact same chords that played at 43:17 in Turn Left?, I THINK SO/I doubt myself/I KNOW NOTHING.

Sip of tea.

WILL THIS SOUNDTRACK BE RELEASED? And why can’t they release the novelisation of this TONIGHT? But is it any good or merely 7/10 though I hope hope hope for Shaun’s backstory, will anyone ever go the extra mile PLEASE? Oh oh oh, the Doctor’s coat, I like it/I don’t like it, will there be an interview about this coat OH THERE IS CATHERINE TATE, that theme was PRESAGING her, wait, this is the scene that was reconstructed online from fan footage except I think CERTAIN LINES HAVE BEEN CUT, will we ever see the missing lines? Will DWM print them WHY NOT?? Censorship. Was it for this the clay grew tall? Will the socials repackage all deleted material, or on the DVD, IF NOT WHY NOT? Release the Snyder Cut! I WONDER IF JODIE AND PETER AND MATT AND CHRIS ARE WATCHING?? but WHY Camden? WHY? Is it a pun, will the villain turn out to be Camilla from State of Decay who is hiding in her… den, d’you see, Cam-den, GET IT? Is this 4K? What is 4K? Will they upscale this to 5K and ruin it? Covfefe! What will this track be called on the soundtrack? “A Camden Greeting?” WHEN WILL THEY RELEASE THE SEASON 10 SOUNDTRACK and more importantly, what are the backstage secrets and possibly MURDERS that have kept Season 10 from us WHY MURRAY WHY, oh God I wonder how many people are watching NOT ENOUGH do not die Doctor Who/it’s time you died, DO THEY GET PAID EXTRA for a nightshoot? BUT WAIT, if Donna remembers the Doctor she will die (sends text) But didn’t she remember him in The End of Time? (receives text) No, she remembered aliens but not the Doctor, NITPICKING, oh my GOD, but wait, LOOK…

Phew.

We are, faithful viewer, 30 seconds in.

Good luck.